Kersplat!

Talk about losing momentum.  After several days in a row of posting on the blog I missed a day and then had the hardest time convincing myself to post again.  Plus, I've been really terribly tired.  I feel like I've been saying that a lot on this blog.  And lately, when I say anything about being tired people give a knowing look and say something about me being pregnant.  Before that, for the past four years or so it's been about having an infant/toddler/preschooler to take care of.  But really, for a long time, it's been more complicated than that.

I have, believe it or not, generally tried to avoid talking about my health on this blog.  After Liam's birth it actually - gradually - improved versus what it had been before that and I found that focusing on what I could do was more encouraging, fun and energizing than focusing on the ways that my health still held me back.  But it's still true that almost ten years ago now I developed symptoms of a frustrating illness with the lame official name of "Chronic Fatigue Syndrome."  And without going into the full history at this point lets just say that great improvement still does not leave me with nearly the energy and stamina that I suspect that "normal," "healthy" people experience.

I started thinking about this today because I saw a quote on Facebook that reminded me so vividly of some of the emotional anguish I experienced when my symptoms were more severe and it was harder for me to pass myself off as a "normal" person.  It said, "Lord please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know were to hide the bodies of anyone who says, 'Your perfectly healthy, it's all in your head.'"

It's "sick" humor - the kind that anyone who's dealt with a chronic and especially an "invisible" illness immediately understands and relates to.  Sorry if it seems just crabby and not at all funny.  In a culture that values doing over being and generally believes that we control our own destinies accepting and learning to live with physical limitations can be a long journey that isn't always helped by the "can do" attitudes of people around us.  We struggle with our own disappointments and don't have energy left to help other people deal with theirs.

Becoming a mom has actually been more of a blessing in my efforts to cope with illness than I would have predicted or expected.  Days filled with diapers, snot and next to no sleep don't sound like an antidote for chronic exhaustion.  But besides the fact that my physical symptoms did mysteriously improve I also found my struggles infused with a purpose they didn't have before.  And smiling at those chubby little cheeks and amazing blue eyes a couple dozen times a day did eventually help me see the world as a brighter place.

So tomorrow or the next day I will be back to rambling about my sweet little boy.  News is on the way about the end of the preschool semester and how we continue to prepare for the new baby coming soon. 

QUICK EDIT:  I would totally like to thank my dear husband and many others who have believed in and supported me through all of this.  It hasn't been an easy road for those walking beside me either!