Calamity and Politics

Do you ever have that feeling that something terrible is about to happen?  Not in the next second, maybe, but some time in the near future?  Impending doom?  I had that feeling for a while before Liam was in the play.  Maybe it was just the stress of lots of practices, getting ready for Christmas and generally being sleep deprived.  Then the play happened.  It was fine.  Then Mom and Dad and Granny had a car accident on the way home from watching the play.  Calamity struck.  It actually happened.

I was thinking about this (for some reason) this afternoon while I tried to hold the car seat with Devin in it and open the door to get into the house after dropping Liam off at school.  I hadn't put the handle up because you just have to put it right back down to get him out and it's hard to do.  I was thinking about calamity with a few side thoughts for what I might eat when I got in the house.  Then my grip slipped and the car seat was propelled forward toward the frame of the door.  Head first.  Devin's head.  I managed to grab it before it fell or his face was crushed completely.  But I saw his nose make contact with the frame.  And a couple of little spots on his face were actually bleeding.  And he was crying.

Not much blood.  Not many tears.  I took him to the bedroom and nursed him and he fell asleep.  And I sat and held him and thought about the lunch I still hadn't eaten and played Facebook games.  Eventually I actually put him down on the bed and went to get something to eat.  He actually stayed asleep long enough for me to make and eat it.  Then it was time to get Liam.

Hey!  Did you notice that?  Liam actually had school today!  Not even a delay!  And we got him there on time.  Turned out he had a sub because his teacher was at a training meeting which had been rescheduled several times already due to the weather.

Liam decided yesterday that he wanted to be the president of the United States when he grew up.  Mostly this seemed to be based on the fact that he believed that the president makes laws.  We had a discussion while snuggling last night about the congress and how the president can tell them what laws he thinks they should make and can veto laws, but can't actually make laws.  This was less satisfying, I think, than the situation he had imagined. 

Then this morning we had a conversation about who can get married.  Not brothers and sisters and not cousins.  How about neighbors?  Yes.  He decided that he will marry the sister of our old neighbor - so that he will get to see the boy - her brother - more often.  I told him that would only work if they were living in the same place.  Liam said, "Well, we both live in Ohio."  I told him that would not be the case if he became president - he'd have to live in Washington D.C.  He wanted to know if he would come back - like at night.  I told him no, they have a special house for the president and he only goes back to his home state for vacations.  He decided he'd rather be in congress and, because he's heard us talking about it, he'd like to be in the Tea party.  I told him I'd rather if he was a Democrat.

So if we can manage to make it through the day intact maybe some day we will take over the world.

I keep trying to figure out how to do fancy shots with our camera.  This one did not turn out quite the way I was hoping.  The boys have been pretty patient with all the picture taking.

Big Brother Feeds Breakfast

Liam really enjoyed feeding Devin his breakfast this morning.  More cereal and prunes might have ended up outside the baby than would have otherwise but I got to eat my breakfast a little sooner.

 Liam wanted to demonstrate that he got some baby food on him too.  Considering how much he fears this happening it's a little surprising that he's so eager to feed his brother.

 One of the biggest challenges is that Devin likes to chew on his hands as much as he likes to eat the food.  Liam was very good at gently removing the hand and touching Devin's lips with the spoon to get him to open his mouth.









Satisfied baby.

Grouchy Mommy Takes Pictures

I'm trying to get Liam to tell me what to write.  Amazingly he has no idea.  I even asked him "If Grammy was here what would you tell her?" 

He said, "The things we've been doing this week." 

"Like what?"

"I don't know."

Seriously?  This child talks almost constantly.  I thought for sure he would rattle off a quick blog entry and my job would be done.

Liam wants me to play Carcassonne with the dragon expansion.  I do not want to play.  I tell him he can play a "practice" game - solo.  He goes and gets the expansion.  Pretty soon he has me reading the rules and he's talking about how we will play.  I say, "How can I be more clear?  I do not want to play with the dragon expansion." 

He says, "I don't remember the beginning of what you said."

Ha ha.

I used to really enjoy strategy board games.  But after Liam was born it was more effort to think through the games with my sleep deprived brain.  Plus I was always being pulled in two directions - baby or game.  Of course Allen helped, but it's easier for him to get absorbed in the game and then I'm left getting the snack or answering the question or making sure that the curtains don't get set on fire (exaggerating slightly).

Plus, this is a genre of games that has grown very quickly in the past ten years and it seems like there's always a new game to learn.  It used to be "Settler's of Cataan" and a few others.  Now our game collection fills the top of Liam's closet and spills onto the shelves below.

Lots more I could say on this topic, but meanwhile Liam was ready to move into the living room and actually start his practice game.  And Devin was very tired of hanging out on the bed.  So I took him to the living room and decided to try to make "tummy time" more tolerable for him by taking some pictures.  Plus, I was hoping to replicate my earlier success at getting the camera to focus on the foreground and leave the background blurry.  Yeah.  Did I mention that I was already feeling very grouchy?  This project did not help with my mood. 

 So put it on Av and set the aperture to the lowest setting.  Right.  Take the picture.  Nothing.  Totally flat, everything in focus.  OK.  I think if you look very closely the corner might be a little blurred, but I was going for something much more dramatic.

 I experiment with backing up and zooming in.  Still nothing.  Really cute baby.  That's a given.  The camera automatically sets it to a larger number on the aperture setting when I zoom in.

 Zoom out, reset, etc.

 The baby's getting really tired of this.

 Tried overexposing it slightly just to see what happens.  At some point I even changed back to purely manual settings, with similar results.

 The game continues.  I get really irritated when Liam wants me to help him figure out the rules.  "This is why I didn't want to play!"  (Me, with great emphasis.)

 Well I can get the whole thing to be blurry.

 This is about as close as I got to when I was trying for.

But my subject and his companion had had enough of that.  I'm still grouchy.

Kindergarten Joke and Short Naps

So we are engulfed in "winter weather" once again.  Facebook is clogged up with people dreaming of spring.  Liam had no school Friday and likely will not have any Monday or Tuesday.  Temperatures with windchill will be well into the negative numbers (Fahrenheit for all my international readers) which is dangerous for kids who have to walk up to a mile or stand waiting at bus stops.

Here's the view from the bedroom window.  We've had more snow at different times, but the cold and wind make it "extreme."

 

Yesterday Liam, Devin and I went to the house of some friends we made while Liam was in the play.  They have a boy Liam's age and the two boys were excited to have a play date.  It was our first time to visit so I was happy to stay to help Liam feel more comfortable and get to know them all better.  The mom had a big part in the play so she was usually pretty busy during practices and we didn't get to talk much.  Turns out we have lots in common and the afternoon flew by.  Devin had to make due with a quick lap nap, but he was a good sport. Anyways, he has not been a big fan of naps lately.

The boys were pretty much oblivious of adults and older siblings most of the time we were there.  Here's an example of kindergartener humor I observed.  They were pretending to fight with oversized stuffed "Hulk" fists.  To start off each round they would shout, "T-H-E Go!"  Much laughing.

Also there was this exchange:  "Liam, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" 
"No, I'm not thinking what you're thinking."

I was a little surprised to find that in spite of their mutual interests in Legos and pirates and running around acting silly both boys have at least a glancing knowledge of The Nutcracker ballet.  Not that it took up much of their time, but when they wound up a music box and it played that music there was talk of sugar plum fairies.  Or something close.

Today Liam decided to put away the track he's been making as part of his city so that he could start a puzzle.  He took some pictures of it first, including this one, which is ironic in ways that I'm pretty sure he's completely unaware of.

Devin seems to have lost his knack for nice long naps.  Or maybe I've lost my knack for getting him to go to sleep.  Either way it's not helping the sleep situation.  On the other hand he's getting the knack of eating solid food.  He really seems to like prune baby food mixed with baby cereal and will scarf down a whole bowlful - between breaks to chew on his hands, of course.

Here he is after waking too soon from a nap.  Neither of us were very amused.

Vaccines and Some Activities

Yesterday Liam had another two hour delay.  In the morning I took Devin to the doctor for his five-month vaccines.  Then before school Liam and I played a game of Carcasonne.  Liam won.  I think.  Although I've never been very good at figuring out the points for farms.

I didn't manage to get Devin to take a nap while Liam was at school.  We've been needing some stuff from the everything-for-cheep store so I decided to take the boys there after school.  I was hoping Devin would sleep a little in his car seat, which he did.  Liam was devastated that the store was completely out of child-sized snow shovels.  Then he was upset that he wouldn't get to brush snow off a car with our new snow brushes that day.  I decided not to mention the spool knitting loom I got for him in case that also turned out to be a disappointment.

Devin fell asleep before Allen left for curling which made getting Liam to bed tricky, but we worked it out.  Then Devin woke up crying and cried for about 45 minutes.  By which time the infant's Motrin had kicked in.  Then he was just awake and somewhat fussy.  I think he fell asleep around eleven.  Then he actually went for five hours without nursing.  He did wake up a few times but I was able to get him back to sleep pretty quickly.  I think it was more restful for me than all the nursing he usually does.

I took this picture during the cry-a-thon.  He generally calmed down when he saw the camera.  I took some more pictures today because he was still fussy - obviously tired but not falling asleep.

The knitting loom has actually been a big hit so far.  Liam is getting the hang of it, really enjoys it and gets a good sense of accomplishment from what he's doing.

Also pictured is a dot-to-dot book which he seems to have inhereted from his dad.  The pages are a little fragile, but he's enjoying the pictures.




Lastly, I keep trying to get our camera to take pictures with the background blurred.  I have not been able to do it with the manual setting at all reliably, so I tried another setting tonight and got closer.  Here's an example.

Legos, MLK Jr., and Stuff

Today Liam was looking at one of those little pamphlets they always include with Lego sets - you know, drool books designed to let young builders know why they should by no means be satisfied with the millions of Legos already in their possession.  There are so many more.  Anyways, he comes to me and says, "How did Grammy and Grandpa buy me this Lego set?  This says it's two thousand and six." 

I look at it.  "That number is for identifying which set it is, not the price."  The number, by the way, was 20006.  So really twenty thousand and six, but it didn't have any commas and I have to think about it to say what number it really is.  Of course Liam wants everything in the little drool book.  I told him maybe once he gets his Hotwheels car designer job he can really start his Lego collection.  He said, "There are so many things I want to do!"

Devin has two teeth now.  I had a migraine yesterday.  It was also Martin Luther King Jr. day which means that Liam had no school.  Here is what he knows about MLK Jr.  "He wanted all people to have the same rules.  Some people disagreed with him.  The people who disagreed with him killed him.  The people who agreed with him were sad."

Today is another two hour snow delay.  I keep thinking about global warming and a conversation Allen and I had with a skeptic on the topic on Facebook.  I want to start a more public blog where I discuss topics like this, but I doubt I really have time.  Plus, I'm not sure I could stay calm and civil.

It's probably best, when sitting down to type something for a blog entry to have some idea of where it's going.  Or to come up with some kind of theme or point.  I did not do that today.  What can I say?  I'll blame sleeping in two hour sections when my brain needs at least three.

 Set 20006.  One of those.

The final products.  Now he's working on a city for them to live in.  It's a longer and more flexible project than completing the sets.

Winter Weather

I don't know if I mentioned before that Liam missed the entire week of school last week because of snow followed by very cold weather.  It was supposed to be the first week back from vacation.  Then he had a two hour delay this last Friday.  Which is a one hour delay for him since they split the difference between morning and afternoon kindergarten. 

I tried to do some shoveling yesterday, but the snow was packed down where the cars had driven over it and "baby wearing" is not that handy when shoveling.  I know, by the way, that some do not advise having the baby face out when in a carrier, but I don't do it very often and I don't think it will cause damage in a short time.  Lately when I put Devin in this carrier facing me he makes a big effort to lean his head way back which makes it seem like he might fall out and makes it even harder to reach around him and get stuff done.

Liam still gets really excited about shoveling snow.  We keep planning to get him a shovel that's the right size for him, but haven't managed it yet.  So for now we have to take turns.  He did most of his shoveling while I was inside getting Devin suited up.

 I convinced him to give me the shovel by asking him to take some pictures. 

I actually did manage to move some snow.

Today Liam and I met a friend at a local "hill" for some sledding.  It was the first time that Liam had done any sledding on anything that could even be called a hill with quotation marks around it.  He was nervous at first, but had fun.  It tired him out faster than he expected, though.  He was happy to spend a few hours after that at his friend's house.

 Getting on was actually the trickiest part.  A couple of times the sled went down without him, but he didn't mind going down to get it.  He slid down on his bottom which he said was fun because it was slower.

 At one point he was too cold and his friend was too hot, so he borrowed his friend's scarf.

.It's hard to get a sense of the distances.  It's not quite as far as this picture suggests, but still seemed pretty far for such a little fellow to slide.  The saucer had a tendency to spin around and being backward was scarier than going forward.  He liked to see if he'd gone farther than the other tracks. 

A not too great selfie to show I was there.  Devin stayed home with his dad and was pretty content.

Lunchtime Conversation

Liam, who's supposed to be eating lunch, is trying to read the soy sauce bottle.  "Three hundred years of acceleration?!?"  His voice rising to a pitch that does not quite break glass.
"What?"  I'm doing something else.  He points to the bottle.
"Oh.  Three hundred years of excellence."
"So we could keep this for three hundred years?"
"No, that company has apparently been making soy sauce for three hundred years.  We couldn't keep that particular soy sauce for three hundred years."
"Why not?"
"It wouldn't be good that long.  Three hundred years is a very long time.  Like when your great, great grandchildren are alive."
"My great great grandchildren?  Who are they?"

That might not be word for word.  Sometimes I would really like to have a recorder running.

Devin is becoming more and more interested in toys.  He also is aware that things exist even when he can't see them - looks around a toy to see his dad's face.  But he still enjoys a good game of "peek-a-boo."  I can just hear him thinking "That's so funny!  They think I can't see them."

Interrupted day

One "good" night of sleep and then back to bad.  I finally get out of bed and give the baby a much needed bath (his feet smelled like feet) and he pees all over the changing table.  Plus, he's grouchy.  I am not exactly "Little Miss Sunshine."  I am not enjoying this.  I say it out loud.

Fast forward.  11:50.  I'm sitting on the bed trying to get the baby to go to sleep.  It's futile.  I don't have time before I need to get Liam his lunch.  In the time between Devin's bath and now I have started the diapers washing, fed the baby, eaten my first meal of the day, managed to get those two tiny Lego pieces apart.  The baby has prunes and cereal on the side of his face.  I have it on my sleeve and pant leg.  I'm listening to Liam in the bathroom singing his own version of "Super-cala-fraga-listic-expee-ala-doshish" and reading a blog I've been following lately.  I'm about to have to try putting Devin in the swing.  First, I'll check his diaper.

1:30.  I made Liam a "beautiful dish" of salad with tomatoes and chicken and some cinnamon sugar toast on the side for lunch.  I folded the full-of-underwear-and-a-thousand-little-things load of laundry so I could put the diapers in the dryer.  I listened to Devin, in the swing, getting more and more upset.  I got him out of the swing, put him in his seat in the kitchen and decided I had enough time to feed him a little mashed banana.  I was wrong about this, but I asked Liam if he wanted to try feeding Devin and he was so excited about doing it.  He kept saying how fun it was and how he wanted to show Grammy and Grandpa on Skype.  And with a little help he really was doing it while I hurried around gathering up what we needed to get him to school.  We made it.  Just barely on time.  When we got home I fed Devin a little more banana and chugged my second mug of tea while he fussed.  He fell asleep almost before we got to the bedroom.  I remembered to turn the alarm clock back on.  I hope it works after all this time.

Fast forward.  The next day!  Shortly after I wrote that last paragraph Devin woke up vomiting.  All over the bed, himself and me.  About the time I got over the fact that I was the only adult in the house and would have to figure out how to deal with it myself I realized that he was still vomiting - on the changing table this time.  And it seemed that he had cleared all the bananas and milk and was down to stomach acid.  I called Allen and asked him to get Liam, which was a good thing because if I'd put Devin in his car seat right then we'd be trying to figure out how to get stomach acid vomit out of the car seat.  The whole thing lasted less than an hour, with several calmer times thrown in, but it scared me.  I called the pediatrician before it was over to find out what to do.  Thankfully it did stop, and Devin would take Pedialyte from a bottle.  He actually slept relatively well last night, but I woke up with a migraine. 

Well, I started out meaning to chronicle my day, possibly with a discussion of how I find pleasure - or just how I stay sane - at the end.  But this is what happened.  We'll call it a work in progress.

Bouncy Seat

We got a bouncy seat for Devin from Isaac and Cindy.  The exersaucer was good, but I felt like he needed to be able to jump more since that's something he really loves to do.  Allen put it together yesterday.  When we put Devin in it it made a couple of snapping noises and I said, "Is it supposed to make that noise?"  I don't think Allen appreciated that too much.  It was fine.  Devin seems to really love it.  I got a cute video with both the boys jumping, but I haven't had good luck loading videos here in the past.  Here are a few pictures.

 Oh my goodness!  Can you believe what I have to put up with?

 Bounced his sock right off.  He didn't know what to do at first, but got the hang of it pretty fast.  Plus, we can attach some of his favorite toys from the play mat.  He really seems much more interested in toys than Liam was at a similar age.

 I've been trying and trying to get a picture focused like this and when I do - tag.  His face is even super cute (don't you think?).

Thanks Uncle Isaac and Aunt Cindy!  I love it!  And look, you can see my tooth.










We got a little better sleep last night which helped my perspective today.  Also had a nice visit with the pastor at our favorite fast food joint after church.  Later I was getting ready to feed Devin and got a jar of prune baby food out of the fridge.  I grabbed it by the lid, which wasn't screwed on.  It dropped, launching prune baby food in a path across the kitchen floor, into the laundry room, across some clean laundry and the washer, up the washer and behind it.  Also onto the laundry room ceiling.  I called Allen to please come help me clean up.  He was so impressed he tried to get pictures, but that didn't really tell the story, so he made a video.  Gotta remember, right?

Dark Humor

I'm having a hard time.  I'll admit it.  It's not like I've ever been shy before about talking about being tired or emotional, so why start now?  In my defense, I really try not to make my blog all about that.  It' pretty boring.  And it's not what I want to focus on.  But I do focus on it, in "real life" because it consumes my attention whether I want it to or not.

Liam got an activity book for Christmas (thanks Aunt Shelley!) and yesterday he worked his way through most of it.  He needed help reading the instructions.  One of the questions was basically "if you had a superpower, what would it be?"  He didn't know, so I tried to think of some silly examples.  Then he came up with his:  Make Devin grow faster so Mommy and Daddy wouldn't be so tired and would be able to play with him more.  I made a face, then helped him write "Make my baby grow."

Then today I saw a quote on the internet that said, "I want to be a superhero.  I would use my powers to take your pain away."  And I cried.  A lot.  Very quietly because Devin was sleeping on the bed beside me.  I figured that the bed shaking slightly might just sooth him into sleeping a little more deeply.

You see the connection, right?  For Liam it's just about wanting someone to play with.  But for me, it's about hurting, about feeling guilty that I can't figure out a way to get enough sleep to feel halfway human some of the time, about being afraid that I'm missing out on his life.  I'm afraid that I'm losing an amazingly close and loving connection I've always had with him. 

The quiet voice of reason tells me that he'll be fine.  That his dad does a great job of filling in the gaps.  That no kid needs to be played with and entertained all the time.  That I do, in fact, play with him and include him often in the routines of everyday life.  That he had it really, incredibly good for the first four years of his life - as far as my constant attention and companionship went.  That he loves and enjoys his little brother.  That this is just a season and one day - not so very long from now really - we will all play together and have super-silly-amazing fun we can only dream of now.

But the baby is NOT sleeping better as time goes on.  Possibly worse at the moment.  Teething?  Illness?  Normal development?  Tummy adjusting to new food?  Probably all.  And who knows when it will improve.  It's right on this blog.  Liam was still waking up every one to two hours when he was 18 months old.  Then I stopped nursing him at night.  And still, it took a long time for him to sleep through the night.

All of which may bring up, for some readers, the subject of "sleep training."  If you aren't familiar with the concept, or the debate, consider yourself lucky.  If you are, please know that I am very familiar with it and am not looking to discuss it right now.  Although I'll admit that just about everything I've ever read about babies sleeping has been floating around in my brain lately and I've been desperately hoping that some answer will present itself to me.  Sort of like magic, I think.

I was thinking about doing a post, because the question came up in Facebook comments about a recent post, about the ways that I enjoy my children.  It would have been a good topic for today and it will make a good one another day.  But for now, this is what you get.  Tired.  Feeling sad.  Looking at my beautiful, charmed life and wishing it were easier.  No happy, uplifting stinger at the end to make you glad you clicked over.  I'll put on a happier face another day.

Some people say that the internet is bad for us because we see everyone else doing great and think that they never struggle and then we feel bad about ourselves.  Well here it is.  Your dose of, "Well at least I'm having a better day than her!"  OK, that does almost make me smile.  I'll make it.

I have laughed today, although most notably it's been at my children's calamities.  Liam, crumpled on the laundry room floor sobbing because his father accidentally saw him while he was trying to be "Ninja sneaky."  Devin, mouth clamped down on his pacifier, sucking madly and whining loudly because he wasn't getting any milk while the real deal was inches away.  I should not laugh at these moments, but I guess it's a dark humor kind of day.

The Baby Code

Babies have a code.  Sort of like magicians - never tell how it's done.  Only with babies it's "Never tell when you're done."  Pooping, of course.  And they're way better at sticking to it.  None the less I ask mine, probably at least once a day, "Are you done?"  Silly mommy.  He'll never tell.

Also, it's just a shame that by the time he's old enough to explain how this position could possibly be comfortable it won't be any more.  Something else we will never know.

My Mantra. Remember.

The other day Liam was playing with Devin and he said, "Mommy, I'm being you.  I'm getting drool on me!"  I didn't get a chance to write it down right then, but I remembered.  At least for a few days.

I read a "mommy blog" today by someone who's kids are older.  She was saying she wished she had worried less and enjoyed her kids more when they were little.  I thought, "I wonder if she really remembers what it was like."  So intense.  So exhausting.  Enjoy doesn't really seem like the right word.  Maybe treasure is a better word.

I want to remember.  And I want to treasure this time when my children are so small and so dependent.  But it's turning my brain into jelly.  Today I couldn't remember if yesterday was the first time this year I'd left the house.  Turns out it wasn't.  Most significant, probably, since we found out that Devin has "hand, foot and mouth disease."  In his case this means that he has a broken blister on the roof of his mouth - near the back.  Most likely why he's been sleeping so poorly and why I thought he had a sore throat.

I know from when Liam was a baby that it's impossible to remember everything.  New experiences and sensations and interactions flood in at an amazing rate and wipe the old ones away.  And it's hard to treasure the moments because the exhaustion, the chaos, the thousand and one demands and needs and details crowd in.  At the very moment that I'm thinking, "This is such a beautiful moment" I'm also thinking, "I need sleep so bad it hurts and I'm hungry and the baby needs a new diaper and Liam has had WAY too much screen time this week and could someone just get me out of here for a few minutes?!?"

But it's like a mantra in my head.  It's why I take pictures and blog.  I want to remember.  I want to see that it's beautiful and find the pleasure that's in it.  I want to treasure it.

It's laying in the bed in the half-dark with the baby straddling my stomach.  And he leans forward and rivets his eyes on mine and soundlessly chomps his mouth open and shut like he's imparting the secret wisdom of the universe.  Remember.

It's his soft hands that smell slightly sour and have razor sharp edges on the corners searching for my face and grabbing handfuls of it when he's upset or nursing and about to fall asleep.  It hurts but my heart knows that it's good that I am what he reaches for when he needs comfort.  Remember.

It's the first time he sees his dad and throws his weight over in his direction.  The first time he cries when a toy he was playing with falls down.  First tooth, roll over, solid food, Christmas.  First toy he baptizes with drool, first jammies he grew out of, first blankets he snuggled under.  So many firsts already and so many to come.  I realized today that babies start out as only a promise.  Then they encounter the world and they grow and are formed.  And we are here.  A part of it.  And we see it.  We can treasure it.  And remember.

It's his own little way of interacting with the world.  It's the way he blows air through his lips or gargles his saliva.  The way he lights up when he sees his big brother, snuggles with his Grammy or plays patty-cake with his great Granny.  The way he stirs in his sleep, opening his mouth and turning his head in search of comfort.  It's the way he babbles and sings at home but is quiet and watchful when we go out.  The way he protests if he can't see what the other people in the room are doing.  The way he pumps his legs when he's held upright.  The way he looks at the back of his hands or pulls his feet toward his face to get a better look.  Notice these.  Remember.

It's the physical changes that come so fast in the first year.  Starting so bald with invisible eyelashes and brows that grow in red.  That little strip of thicker hair in the middle of his head that makes him look like a combination of a rebellious teen and a balding forty-something with a bad comb-over.  Those jowly cheeks and chubby thighs.  That rolled over ear from laying so long on it in my belly.  The soft, dented skull that turns rock hard.  The toothless grin that gradually fills in.  Watch this.  Remember.

It's how I keep from getting swallowed up by the intensity - by the fatigue and relentless needs and identity swallowing crush - of being a mom.  It's how I get through these totally overwhelmed and tearful days.  It's my mantra.  Remember.

It's trying to write a blog post and stopping a dozen times because he's bored and needs another clean diaper and is getting tired.  It's leaving him on the changing table to get it done because for some reason he's much more patient there. 

So much in these early months and years.  So much to notice and treasure and remember.  Once it's over I'll say "It was gone in a flash."  But I think I'll also always say, "It's such an intense time."  I want to remember.  I want it to be part of what I treasure and take pleasure in through every other stage of his life.  Maybe I will.  Maybe I can.  For now I just have to get him off the changing table because he's run out of patience.

Here's the Deal

We are out of infant Tylenol.  We are under a "Level 3 Emergency" travel restriction.  I hope that the children's Tylenol will do the trick.  The trick, I mean, of getting the baby to sleep.  I didn't use it last night because I thought he just needed to poop.  He kept waking up and.....

......Got interrupted.  Probably a good thing.  Don't need to recount all the gritty details.  The point is I finally gave him the Tylenol because it seemed like he had a sore throat.  And he finally started nursing in a more normal way which was awesome because when he doesn't my breasts hurt and the nursing hormones build up in my body and I feel terrible.  And we finally got some sleep.  Not a lot.  Just some.

During all this misery I thought, "Don't fuss!  Please just don't fuss.  Lets make a deal...."  I worked it all out.  Here are the terms:

If the baby will....

• calm down when I sooth him
• sleep most of the time from about 9 p.m. to 8 a.m. (especially refraining from pooping during that time)
• fall asleep when he's tired
• nurse laying down when he wakes up at night (but preferably not more than three times)

I will.....

• respond promptly when he starts to fuss
• keep him in my bed and snuggle him through the night
• stay with him while he falls asleep
• nurse him whenever he wants or needs it
• sing silly songs when he's bored
• smother him with kisses
• take thousands of pictures of him 
• change his diaper and clothes when they are dirty
• bathe him semi-regularly
• feed him solid food
• watch him constantly and try to interpret every move and every peep he makes
• rub his fuzzy head against my cheek a dozen times a day

It's not an exhaustive list.  Exhausting, but not exhaustive.  After a while my inner monologue (complete with some profanity which I'll leave out) went something like this:  "Or, you can do whatever you want, because I'm going to do all that stuff anyways."

Because who I am and what I do don't depend on what my children do.  They don't have to earn it.  If I can start to forget that with the baby, how much easier with the big boy?  When the little head is scraggly instead of fuzzy and they learn how to say "Why do I have to?" and "No I won't."  Then it's hard to remember that my actions and how I love them is up to me, and isn't determined by their ability to follow a schedule or let me get enough sleep or even obey my instructions.  I need to remember.  Is there a trick to this?

(I'm not saying, by the way, that my way of dealing with baby's nighttime needs is the only, or the best or most loving way.  It's just the way I do it.  Gotta do something.)

The End of Christmas

So just for the record, we are in the middle of some very cold, snowy winter weather.  We were debating whether to try to go to church this morning when we discovered that it had been canceled.  Instead we got a little extra sleep, took down Christmas decorations and shoveled snow. 

A couple of years ago when we were putting Christmas decorations away I discovered a few presents that had been misplaced and forgotten on Christmas day.  I got them out and had Liam open them as a way of helping with the disappointment of officially ending the Christmas season.  It worked so well that I've continued it every year.  This year we had presents from Grandma and Grandad to add to the opening.  Devin is taking a nap and hasn't opened his yet.

Liam was eager to help.  He usually enjoys any project that involved organizing stuff.  He was a little sad to see the decorations go away, but we had much less drama in this regard than sometimes.

While he was bringing this snow globe to me to put in the box he shook it and said, "Hey, there really was snow when Jesus was born."  I said, "That's not real.  It's just someone's idea of what happened."  Then I couldn't resist adding, "They also weren't under water."

Sometimes the helping didn't go quite the way Liam was hoping.  But he fixed the ornament.

When Devin got bored with watching and started to protest Liam figured it was because he wanted to help but couldn't.  That's one way to think about it, I guess.

Considering what's coming down right now Allen will be glad the got a start on this tomorrow.  School's already canceled for Monday with Tuesday looking doubtful.

The last presents of Christmas.  This from Grandma and Grandad.

Thanks!  We can always use puzzles.  He's already started the first one.

And this from Mom and Dad - Allen and I. 

I got it on a local "swap" list through Facebook.  Liam immediately discovered that some pieces are missing, so we had to fess up to our cheapskate ways.  

Well, Devin's awake now and we got a picture of him opening presents, but the camera batteries are dead as a doornail and we don't seem to have any charged, so it will have to wait.

Teeth, School, Emotions, Sleep

Devin's first tooth is through.  The second is not far behind.  Liam did a dance of joy when I told him about the tooth over Skype last night.  He is excited about feeling it when he gets home today.  He is not excited about putting Christmas decorations away, although I told him he would get another present and that helped. 

Liam's also not too excited about starting school on Monday which makes Allen and I a little sad.  He always loved preschool and missed it during breaks.  But then the breaks were much longer.
He gets in trouble sometimes at school, which never happened in preschool.  Usually it's because he's talking too much and then he has to go sit by himself.  The last time this happened he claimed that his friends started it.  I believe this because I've seen him get totally amped up on another kid's energy and get a little out of control.  I guess he has to learn how to control himself even when others don't, but he loves to learn and loves to be around people and I hate to see him already dreading school.

Of course I'm dreading the stress of our "normal" routine.  I still haven't figured out how to get him so school on time without last minute panic on my part which translates to less than pleasant parenting communication.  He might dread that as much as I do. 

A week of "just one" child was long enough for me to start processing some emotions I've been putting on the back burner, but not long enough for me to figure out what to do with them.  There's this country song about a woman who's husband (boyfriend?) leaves her with a baby and she wants to cry but "doesn't have time."  I'm not sure when I first heard it or if I understood it at the time, but I get it now.  Having a big "mommy meltdown" is a luxury I mostly can't afford. 

Lots of times it's actually good that I get pulled away from negative emotions and force myself to smile.  I find reasons to laugh and rejoice because it gives me energy and helps me make it through the exhaustion.  But the desperation, guilt, pain and anxiety simmer under the surface.  In the past trying to stuff them down and force them away was damaging to me emotionally and spiritually.  I hope that I'm not doing that now.  Hopefully I have enough places (including this blog) to vent in small doses so that I don't OD on emotions I haven't dealt with.

It doesn't help that Devin isn't sleeping any better even though his first tooth is through.  Maybe the second one is still bothering him or maybe it's the adjustment to starting solid food.  Maybe he just sleeps that way.  There were a few nights when he actually went three hours between wakings - once or twice per night. But those times are just a happy memory at the moment.  Mostly if he wakes up and nurses and falls back to sleep without much fussing or staying awake I consider the night to be "good."  If I stay relaxed and drowsy through his waking up then I feel like I actually slept at night. 

Of course there are plenty of opinions out there about how to get babies to sleep better.  Or whether to try.  I'm aware of the options, don't worry.  At the moment my plan is to continue with what we've been doing and keep hoping for a breakthrough - or just a break.  I'm just saying, sleep deprivation and feeling over emotional are probably related.

Well, I just got off Skype with Liam.  He was upset because he wanted to come home.  While I was there Allen arrived.  So not too many hours now until we'll all be together again.  I should get lunch.

I'm Not a Perfectionist

Although I've been mistaken for one occasionally.  A perfectionist that is.  But not a successful one.  Just the type who completely gives up on a task rather than try and fail.  Like keeping my personal space clean (read able to be walked through).  Actually, it's often a matter of understanding my goals.  I am, in fact, succeeding amazingly at the goal of mentally blocking out most of the stuff around me that is cluttered and messy and would otherwise drive me crazy.  Likewise, I can prepare a delicious meal with exactly six square inches of counter space and one clean cutting board.  Working around the mess is more realistic than cleaning it up at this point.

I just tried to do a blog post called "I'm Funnier on Facebook."  But transferring Facebook status updates to bullet points on the blog engine kept messing up the formatting so I deleted the whole thing and started over.  Well I tried to delete.  That turns out to be harder than you might expect.  OK.  I'll try again with the Facebook status thing.

• January 1 at 2:20pm ·Sometimes those beautiful blue eyes flutter open and all I can think is "There goes my afternoon nap."
• January 1 at 11:04am ·Wow! The baby is so worn out from last night's festivities that he woke up, filled his diaper and is trying to drift back off to sleep while laying on the load. Happy New Year!
• December 30, 2013 at 9:51pm ·I've now gone 24 hours without telling anyone to "take another bite." Feels good, actually.
• December 26, 2013 at 11:05am ·The day after Christmas he's bored with all his toys. Anybody wanna help me haul that mess out to the curb?
• December 25, 2013 at 11:10am ·True confession: I picked out my own Christmas presents. And I still didn't get what I really wanted - they were fresh out of diaper changing fairies.
• December 25, 2013 at 11:05am  Merry Christmas from all of us! Except the insomniac baby who just wants to know why people keep flashing bright lights in his eyes and why his big brother gets all the really interesting presents.
•  December 24, 2013 at 6:59pm ·Also, how's this for irony: Eating at a Chinese restaurant when my Chinese friend calls to see if we're home so she can drop off some cookies.
•  December 23, 2013 at 8:24pm  Liam: "I hate aerodynamic reentry!"
• December 23, 2013 at 10:02am ·Just because your undies are covered with Darth Vader and Storm Trooper heads does NOT mean they will keep you warm if you gallivant around the house wearing nothing else. 
• December 15, 2013 at 4:57pm ·In other news, I now have a very sore throat. Hurts to swallow. Also hurts when I change the baby's diaper. I think I should stop with the diaper changing. 
• December 14, 2013 at 8:10pm ·On the way home between performances today Liam explained the history of Halloween to me. "First people were afraid of black cats. Then they were afraid of souls - dead people. Then they found out it wasn't real. Right?"
  
  While I drove through the snow-filled town streets and listened to the baby building from mild complaining to a full wail we had a conversation about the existence of souls - also zombies and vampires.
  
  
  And that's all you get because now the auto formatting has bitten again - this time because the last status had a double space in it.  Anyways, that takes us clear back to the day of the last performance of Liam's play.  Possibly I didn't get the setting that lets me see all my status updates on Facebook.  Possibly Christmas isn't that funny, or I'm just not really that funny.  

  I can't get it to line back up with the left edge like it's supposed to, but just to prove that I'm not a perfectionist I'm going to post it like this anyway.
  
  

Solid Food

So I have changed my mind about how weird it is to take pictures of babies without clothes.  I still can't explain why, but I find my baby amazingly cute without clothes.  Creepy?  Whatever.  Here's the evidence.

 Devin's continuing his exploration of solid food.  I'm following the advice we got with Liam to introduce foods one at a time and leave a few days in between new ones.  So we've moved from sweet potatoes to oat baby cereal.  (Skipped rice because of a piece I heard on NPR about arsenic in rice.  They specifically mentioned possibly not starting babies out on rice.  This wasn't just my paranoid idea.)

He thinks he can do this himself, but clearly has a few things to learn.

 Sucking on the spoon actually helps him swallow more of the food instead of pushing it out of his mouth.  I thought today that he wasn't interested in eating, but it seems that his tummy was just bothering him a little and once he took care of that he chowed right down.  Finished all the cereal I'd mixed up and ate a little more.

And this is why we did it without clothes.  Although it doesn't show up very well in the picture.  One of his favorite tricks is to start chewing on his hand part way through eating.  I think it's a strategy for saving some food for later.

It turns out that the shopping cart cover we used to rig the antique high chair that was passed down to us through Allen's family is no longer available.  You may need to read that sentence again.  I'll wait.  The one we used last time is in pretty rough shape and the velcro is completely shot.  The new ones will not work for our purpose.  It turns out that we could get a chair you put on a regular chair that has a try and would take up lots less room in the kitchen for roughly the same price as another kid-attaching-to-unsafe-high-chair thing, so we haven't figured out what to do yet.  It's a good thing that the cover of this particular little chair is washable.





Liam is still at Grammy and Grandpa's.  Allen and I went to a New Year's Eve party and actually stayed until after midnight.  I even played a game, although I spent the later part of the evening cuddled up on the couch with Devin while he slept.  I took the camera, but decided to be "in the moment" instead of taking pictures.  It's too bad really because Mary and John's house looked great and it was a fun, relaxing time.  Also my spinach artichoke dip was very popular.  A win for Pinterest.

Yesterday Allen and I watched a "big people" movie.  We had to stop it a few times to take care of the baby - and turn up the volume sometimes to hear it over his chatter, but it was a nice change of pace.  Also a good way to keep warm since I've been running a space heater in the bedroom and the rest of the house is not as comfy.  This nasty winter weather could delay Liam coming home a few days, but apparently he's not missing us.  He'd like to stay with Grammy and Grandpa another week.  But school starts again Monday.