Anyone Who Tells You Differently

Devin's laying on his back on the bed watching the ceiling fan intently.  Or he was, until I thought, "Hey, he's pretty happy, maybe I can start a blog post."  Now he's starting to cry.  Today he has been awake.  A lot.  He barely managed to sleep through his afternoon nap.  Yesterday he slept through the blender.  Actually, to be more precise, he fell asleep while I was using the blender.  This is not "white noise."  It's stopping and starting - a high pitched, growling sound that used to always make Liam cry.  Granted, he was in the living room in his swing with the music playing but really, our house is not that big.

Indeed, yesterday he slept.  Just woke up to eat and fall asleep again.  It didn't even bother him when he needed to pass gas or poop.  Where did this child come from?  And more importantly, where was he when it was my turn to sleep?  Of course he woke up about nine in the evening and was awake until midnight.  And mostly not just "Hey lets hang out" awake, but "Carry me around so I don't cry" awake.  I even put him in the stroller and took him for a walk and he didn't fall asleep.  'Course it might have had to do with that poop he deposited in his diaper some time when I wasn't aware of it.

Too much information.  I know.  Not even that interesting.  Normal everyday stuff.  My Chinese friend called this morning to see if Liam could come over and play.  Allen took him and I went later with Devin.  She held Devin and I poured out my woes.  She was very philosophical about it.  None of it surprised her (she has three kids, the oldest is a senior in high school).  She even had a scientific explanation - nervous system still developing.  Maybe it's the fatalism of the east that allows her to be so calm.  Or maybe the fact that she actually got to sleep last night.

But really.  I want to take a very zen view of this situation and say that it's just a short time and he'll outgrow it.  But some combination of the American "can do" attitude and my desperation drives me to FIX it.  If you hang around other moms (especially online) for very long you hear about all these books about how to handle baby's sleep.  (I'd list them, but I'm too tired right now.)  So I know I'm not the only one who wishes there was a magic formula.  I suspect that there isn't - at least not one that works for everyone.  Anyone who tells you differently is selling something.  Probably a book on how to take care of babies.  Actually, I think I wrote this whole post just to use that line.

What I Can Do for my Children

I started out today wanting to write a blog entry about how, in spite of the sleepless nights and all my tears and moaning on Facebook I really do enjoy my children and love being their mom.  It was a good day to try to remember that.  Devin slept pretty soundly most of yesterday afternoon and was fussy and uncomfortable by evening.  Not wide awake and wanting to play but crying and uncomfortable.  He would arch his back when he cried and although he passed some gas he grunted and strained but didn't poop.  Around 11:30 I put him in the sling and went outside with him.  He was asleep before I got to the corner, but by 7 the next morning I was doing the same thing.  I can't tell you how many times I nursed him or how many diapers (mostly not poopy) I changed in between.  I don't remember.

This isn't last night, but another, similar moment, picture taken by Liam.

The jury's still out on whether all this trouble was caused by a small sliver of cheese I absentmindedly ate while making Liam's lunch yesterday.  Part of me wants to think so because that would mean I could influence his tummy troubles and possibly avoid the worst of them.  By this evening he was back to having moments when he could be awake and calm, although like his brother he knows when he's been left alone and usually hates it.

Still, there are small moments of beauty and joy.  That soft, fuzzy head.  The creases on those pudgy arms.  The occasional expression that looks like a smile and might not be just gas.  Sitting on the floor with Liam on my lap and Devin on his.  Singing silly songs.  Watching his confused face when I lift his arms and say "The baby is SO big!"  (I can just hear his little sarcastic self saying, "Really lady, are you just finding this out now?  Are my arms the best way you can measure?"  I crack myself up.)

Then there's Liam, who is always thinking.  Today he made a special effort not to yell at his parents.  He noticed that he was doing a good job at it and concluded it was because he was less tired than usual.  He said he slept more and stayed in bed to rest for a while after he woke up.  This evening I watched him drive a Lego monster truck over a pile of rocks.  Then he closed his eyes and played the scene back in his head before replaying it.  I know this is what he was doing because he told me so.  Where does he get these ideas?  I want to much for his beautiful, creative mind to bring joy to his life.  Sometimes it hurts me to think about it because I know the world is not always kind to people with beautiful, creative minds.

So I have veered off track.  Jumped the rails, actually.  Being a mom, besides being hard and exhausting, gives me joy, brings humor to my life, and fills me with wonder.  Also, I fear for my children and when I'm tired and can't give them everything I want to I feel pain because I know that I can't really protect them from the hard realities of the world.  I only hope that they can see the joy I find in loving them and find enough comfort in that to...what?  To have lives that are mostly characterized by loving, joyful relationships?  To weather the grief that comes along?  To have memories and build lives that are full of small, beautiful moments?  Something like that.  When I'm running on empty I want everything for my children.  Everything good I can think of.  And some of the good I can't even imagine.  I remind myself that I can't give them most of what I want for them.  I can only touch them and see them and listen to them and be with them.  And only as much as I can.  No guarantees, but I think it will make a difference.

First Day of Kindergarten

So today had lots of drama, but to save you the suspense, in the end it was all good.  When Liam went to get dressed today I suggested that I help him pick clothes so that he could wear "spiffy" ones.  He was very upset because he likes to try to get dressed very quickly (while Allen times him) and this would slow him down.  We "reset the clock" and mostly averted the crises.  I got both boys dressed a little spiffy and took a few pictures.  Here's the one I like best.

I was hoping to spend some quality time with Liam this morning, but Devin was in "high need" mode - he wanted to be in the sling with me walking around - even after he fell asleep.  Finally I managed to get him into the swing and spent some time working on a puzzle with Liam.  I tried to leave plenty of time to eat lunch and do all the last minute stuff that always comes up before going anywhere.  Nope.  When I asked Liam if he needed to poop he first said no and later admitted that he did.  So in the last half hour he was finishing up on the toilet, I had just fed Devin and needed to change his diaper, and Liam needed to put his shoes on and get his school stuff together.  What could go wrong?

I came out of my room to wash my hands and Liam was coming out of his holding a balloon.  He couldn't find any socks.  Why didn't he come and tell me instead of playing with the balloon?  "I can do two things at one time Mommy."

While I looked for the socks Liam told me he was nervous about starting kindergarten because "I've never done it before."  I tried to reassure him while feverishly sorting through piles of clean laundry.  When I finally found the socks he was still holding the balloon and a quick clock check told me we were on track to be late.  The baby was busy pooping (again) and I couldn't do anything about that, but I couldn't resist the urge to remove the offending balloon any longer. Tears.  Of course.  Then his shoes didn't fit and he really didn't want to put "blue bunny" into his backpack, but eventually we ended up in the van and got to the school while they were still taking the last of the afternoon kindergarteners to their class.  Just time to snap a few pictures.  I forgot to give him a hug. 

I did get a picture of Liam with the school's name in the background, but decided not to post it here for privacy reasons.  It was actually the school's idea for the kindergarteners to bring their favorite stuffed animal to the first real day for them.  It's funny because Liam picked this as a comfort item fairly late in his development, but it says "Baby's first bunny" on it.  Thankfully I don't think his classmates can read.

Here he goes with some friendly and responsible fifth grader.  And suddenly there was absolutely nothing for me to do.  Just get in the car and drive away.  Which I needed to do fairly quickly since it was running in the middle of the drive with a baby inside.  I started telling myself "I will not cry, I will not cry," but that was a mistake and led to almost immediate crying.  Better to distract myself by thinking about something else all together.  Not that crying is so terrible, but lately when I get started I have a hard time stopping.  But Devin went into full crises screaming mode when we got home and by the time he was asleep our friend Mary had arrived to help with some cooking and the moment had passed.

When I picked him up outside the school he ran over to me and then ran back to give his teacher a hug.  He was wearing the hat pictured below.  He was very excited about having climbed on one of the structures on the playground by himself.  And of course he wanted to know what we were going to do when we got home.  I ended up filling the kiddy pool on the back deck and sitting out there with Devin sleeping on my lap while Liam played.  I did find out more about school, though.  Liam feels he has made one friend. 

I said, "Do you know his name?" 
Liam said, "What?"
Me:  "Is it a boy or girl?"
Liam: "A girl."
Me: "Do you know her name?"
Liam: "No.  She's the smallest girl in the class."

His biggest beef?  Too short.  "Two hours?  Felt like two minutes!" (It's actually two and a half hours.)

Snack?  "Sweet Cheerios with crunchy marshmallows."

When Devin woke up this afternoon he seemed much less fussy than he has been for at least the last week.  He sat in his swing awake and calm for a while.  Then he laid on his play mat during the entire time that I was making supper.  Liam played with him which seemed to mostly consist of putting the porcupine on Devin's head and waiting for him to knock it off.  Very funny to Liam.  Also Liam decided to see if Devin would grab his nose and found out that an eye would do just as well in Devin's opinion.  Might have been revenge - I'm not sure.

So is the dairy experiment working?  I'm still not sure.  I don't enjoy the idea of spending the next 18 months or so dairy free, but I would sure love to get more sleep and have calmer days!

Going with the Flow

I've been telling Liam lately that he needs to "go with the flow" instead of trying to control everything that is happening around him.  After all, when we try to make life line up with certain plans or expectations on our part we are often disappointed and sometimes lose out on opportunities to enjoy what is actually happening.

Well today Mom and Dad ended up nearby and we decided to "go with the flow" and go see them after church.  We met up with them at "GG" (Great Grandma)'s house.  (Wait, is that grammar correct?  Who cares.)  We hung out on the back deck for a while since the day was beautiful and, to be honest with you, I'm allergic to the cat.  Anyways, it gave Liam a chance to work off some extra energy also.

I got the camera setting messed up a little on this shot, but here's GG with Devin.

Grammy did the work of getting the fussy boy settled down.

Liam and Grandpa checked out the shed in the yard.  Liam was very excited that he got to help Grandpa carry some wood.

Hey look!  I got the camera to focus on the foreground and blur the background.  It was a fluke though.  I've been trying to get shots like this using the manual settings, but I'm pretty sure I had it on one of the automatic settings for this one.

I kept trying to get a shot of these three together, but somebody kept making a funny face.  It wasn't always Devin.

It took him a while to settle down.

Meanwhile, Liam finally ate his lunch.  He didn't want any right after church.  Possibly too many snacks at church.  All of this would have been much more enjoyable for Allen if he hadn't had a major back spasm just as we were getting ready to leave our house.  He valiantly made the drive anyway and had a chance to relax a little.

Sleeping baby, resting Grammy.

How do you like that angle?  Aunt Kitty stopped by to drop off Granny.  By this time Devin did not want to wake up.

Granny did her best to wake him.

And she gave him lots of lovin'.

While Liam played the drum.

And last but not least I got a few beauty shots with Grandpa since I didn't get many when he was here after Devin was born.

On the way home Liam counted 89 semi trucks.  He said we should write it down.

Still no dairy today.  It's hard to tell if it's making a big difference for Devin yet.  He nursed to sleep a little while ago which I thought was a good sign since sometimes lately he's been too fussy to do even that.  But then he woke up crying and when I tried to nurse him he was too uncomfortable.  Got him to burp and he fell back asleep pretty fast though.  I know I said I was hoping for improvement in my last post, but I realize now I'm almost afraid to hope.

Tomorrow is Liam's first real day of kindergarten, so hopefully we can get some good pictures and some news about that.

Here's Hoping....

Yesterday's OB appointment went pretty well.  The midwife asked me to write a letter about the issues we had with the doctor.  I was glad about this because it shows that they are really aware that there are problems and want to deal with them.  She also ordered lab work to check my thyroid and vitamin D levels in case those are negatively impacting my mood.  Also, she thinks that it would be a good idea for me to try giving up dairy for a while to see if that helps Devin be less fussy and sleep better.  She has a grandchild who just recently had similar symptoms that cleared up when his breastfeeding mom stopped eating dairy.

Actually, I had already been coming to that conclusion.  At 3 a.m. that morning I was laying in bed wit the laptop on (sitting in the crib by the bed - what else are we going to use it for?) thinking about how I can manage it without starving.  Devin really needs to feel better and I really need to get some sleep.  The rash, arched back and screaming seem like more than just six week old fussiness.

Before I could give my full attention to that change, though, we had Liam's kindergarten orientation.  We found out more about the pick-up and drop-off schedule as well as the routine they will have during the day and some of the logistics of communication between us and the teacher.  There were six or so other kids at the orientation, although the kids didn't really talk to each other.

It's move-in weekend at the university.  We decided to go out for supper which involved me getting lost on the temporarily-one-way streets on campus and Allen navigating crazy out-of-town traffic.  And me breastfeeding not just in a restaurant, but at the table in the picture window of a local restaurant.

So after another not very restful night and a morning spent trying to find some energy and motivation I took Liam to the grocery store and got some supplies.  I'd been chatting with friends who'd dealt with similar issues over Facebook and had some ideas of what I wanted to cook and what to get in order to do it.

In case the reader has missed this information, the reason it's so tricky for me to go dairy free is that there are so many other foods that I don't eat because of sensitivities or allergies.  I don't eat wheat, soy, corn, beef, pork (other than some ham which for some reason doesn't hurt my stomach), most tree nuts, peanuts, yeast... I thin that covers it.  Unfortunately those foods are in a HUGE percentage of the processed foods available in this country, including most dairy substitutes.  And it means that cutting dairy also eliminates a major source of protein and fat from my diet.

I managed to cook the following foods:

Whole Spelt Orange Muffins.  I actually zested an orange and it was worth the effort.

Summer stew.  We ate quite a bit of this for supper and Liam loved it.

This is intended for my lunches - ground chicken, black-eyed peas, mushrooms and curry spices.  I was thinking of making turnovers, but decided it will work to just put it into a wrap.

Here's what the kitchen table looked like when I got done.  Thankfully Allen had been helping to keep the kitchen clean and he cleaned up after me.

He also did his best to keep Devin calm, but it was an uphill struggle.  His expression in this picture is saying, "Why are you taking pictures and not helping me?  But what could I do?  I'd already nursed him.

 The calm is deceptive.  It only came in brief moments, accompanied by constant effort on the part of a parent.  Walking, patting, jiggling...we've been using the swing A LOT.  In between baby duty Allen worked on getting caught up on laundry and Liam played with Legos.

So in the midst of all this we forgot to go to a cookout for folks from Allen's department.  It's amazing sometimes how life just keeps going on.

Unmet Expectations on Long Days

Maybe it's all the changes we've had around here, or maybe it's just a stage, but Liam has been producing major drama any time events don't play out the way he hopes they will.  It's at a level that sounds funny when you stand back from it, but isn't fun when in the midst.  He can have a major crises about which door of the van he gets out of.  When it's hot outside and we arrive home in the hot van he wants a cold drink.  But he needs to have it IMMEDIATELY after we get home because if he starts to cool off before he gets a chance to drink it then it's TOO LATE and he can't consume a cold beverage.

For a couple of days I've been thinking that it might help to take Devin for a walk in the stroller at times when he's fussy and hard to sooth.  This morning the stroller was ready, it wasn't too hot out yet, I was dressed and Devin was fussy.  Liam wasn't actually dressed, but he was willing to quickly get dressed and we set off (with a minimum discussion of whether he should take the leftover pizza and/or chocolate bar he'd been about to eat).

He was very interested in which way we were going and when he would get to push the stroller.  I'd warned him that it would be a short walk, but when a truck went by and Devin started to cry I turned around and headed toward home.  When we got near the house and Devin was asleep I took another turn and we ended up walking around the block.  This, as it turned out, was somehow not what Liam had thought we would do when we took a walk.  He complained that it wasn't any fun.  When I told him that he used to love walking around the neighborhood and didn't care where we went or why he said, "Well now I care."

On the way home a neighbor down the street asked if we needed any zucchini.  I said we could use some and he offered us some green beans if we picked them.  Liam found this fun and interesting, but Devin got tired of laying in the stationary stroller and started to cry.  By the time we got home Devin was screaming and Liam NEEDED his drink - NOW.  When I told him that whining about it wouldn't help he started crying and seemed to go ballistic.  I finally figured out that he was trying to keep moving fast enough to stay warm so that he could still have a cold drink when I was done feeding Devin.  I suggested he go back outside.

Later he got cold and wanted to snuggle.  Devin was asleep in a swing but I was sitting in the rocking chair which doesn't have a lot of extra room and I told Liam I didn't think I could handle snuggling.  He cried.  I suggested he put on a jacket which helped.  Then he went and got socks.  One of the boys seemed destined to be the wrong temperature.

Days like today feel like a marathon to me.  While Devin slept I worked on a puzzle with Liam.  I realized he was probably done with the puzzle when he started making this "house" complete with a detailed narration of his activities.  I told him I was going to lay down on the couch for a while but did not allow him to watch Netflix videos which upset him.  He went into his room.  A little later I thought I heard the back storm door opening.  I went to check just in time to see Liam closing the house door - from the outside.  He had very quietly removed his socks and jacket, put on his shoes and gone outside.  He said he didn't want to wake me up.  He had another meltdown about the fact that I told him firmly that he's never allowed to leave the house without telling me and no, he could not go outside right then.

Devin slept through the commotion.  We have borrowed a new swing and either it's much more comfortable than the old one or he's taking longer naps because he slept for a couple of hours.

Then we went outside and Liam buried himself in the sand while Devin nursed and contemplated the leaves of the maple tree and I tried to relax and enjoy the breeze and the soft, rain-on-the way feel of the air.

As we were finishing supper I mentioned to Allen that the sheets on the bed needed to be changed and he offered to go do it.  Liam objected.  I decided to try (again) to address his seeming belief that he is/should be the one in charge around here.  After I told him that we try to give him lots of choices but sometimes Mommy and Daddy have to decide what is going to happen (like right now when Daddy is going to leave - which he did) Liam said, "I wish I was you." 

I said, "Really, so you can wake up during the night with the baby, then get up and take care of two little kids all day, then go to bed and do it again?" 

He said, "No, I wish I was Daddy.  I'm a boy.  I'll be a daddy.  What's so funny?"

He didn't get the point, though because he wailed "NOOOO!" in a voice that could break glass when he found out that Daddy, rather than Mommy was going to give him a bath.

Tomorrow I have a OBGYN appointment, Allen has a meeting and Liam has kindergarten orientation.  But next week he starts kindergarten in the afternoons.  Maybe having a more regular schedule will help us establish expectations that won't leave me feeling like I've been arguing all day long.  And maybe we won't have a repeat of last night where Devin woke up at 9:00 and was awake and fussy until 11:30.  Here's hoping.

Today's News

• Devin continues to be, well, just off kilter.  He slept most of last night with his head on my arm since he seemed to sleep more peacefully that way.  He woke up a couple of times because he had so much gas.  I would try to nurse him but since he wasn't really latching on I would sit up.  As soon as I got him situated he would fall asleep.  I actually woke up sore because it had been so long since he'd nursed.  This happens sometimes during the day but almost never at night.  
• Devin had his first tub bath - in the big tub.  This happened partly because he spit up all over himself and over me.  I decided to get in the tub with him.  He actually enjoyed being in the water - didn't cry at all which is a first for a bath.  But he got really mad when I put him in his little seat (wrapped in a towel) and took a quick shower.
• Liam made this "Imagination Park" and told me a story for each color in the park.  Each color is a different substance or represents a different experience.  Green is grass, red is hot lava, black is a place that you fall into where scary things happen, yellow is hot melted cheese.  Each story involved a different guy and a different dream.  They were all gruesome and involved the guy getting dismembered and killed.  Liam then told me his dream which did not involve getting killed.

When I said I wanted to take a picture he decided to make a happy, silly and mad face.  Then he insisted on checking the pictures.  He approved.

• We went to Liam's new school and met his teacher.  He tried to hide behind Allen at first, but got pretty interested in the room.  Only a few other students showed up as it was "meet the teacher" day which I guess was optional.  Liam informed his teacher that he already knows most of the stuff they will be learning like numbers and letters.  She said that maybe he can help other kids learn.  He inspected the classroom closely and found some bins with small blocks (I assume for math) and a kitchen with food that interested him.  
• Liam thought we should go to a restaurant but since it was still before five we came home and I made supper.  In the end he was glad because I made rice and cabbage and he could put "brown sauce" (aka soy sauce) on it.  I am starting to get back into the swing of cooking but it really takes a lot out of me.  Yesterday's quick pasta sauce put me on Liam's "Best Mommy" list though, so that helps my motivation.  Especially since it was, in addition to fresh tomatoes, made with Swiss chard, onions, sweet peppers and rotisserie chicken.
• Devin still seems fussy this evening.  I really wish I could figure out what's going on.  I tell myself it's probably just a baby thing, but then I keep puzzling and wondering...

A Silly Brother Moment

I was making supper and I asked Liam to play with Devin who was on his play mat.  This sometimes extends the number of minutes that Devin will contentedly lay on the mat.  Liam shows up in the kitchen, excited and laughing.  "I put the porcupine on his head!  Come see!"  I couldn't come see as I needed to finish supper.  So Liam says, "Where's the camera?  I have to get a picture of this." 

I told him where the camera was and he showed up a few minutes later with the picture.  When I downloaded it onto the computer I realized he did the first shot without the flash, checked it and turned on the flash in order to get this shot.  Oh and he had to reposition the porcupine because Devin managed to get it off.  I'm not sure this makes Devin more likely to want to lay on the play mat.

Building Community on Desperation

I've actually written parts of this post in my head throughout the day, but most of that witty commentary will not actually make it into the post.  Last night was rough.  Devin woke up every hour and then was awake for about an hour around three a.m. due to pooping.  After that I hoped he would sleep better, but he didn't.  Another big poop came our way around wake up time.  Eight in the morning.  Normally I would have stayed home from church hoping for a nap, but at that point even a nap sounded like work.  Plus, I hatched a scheme where we could find some kind soul at church who would hang out with Liam in the afternoon while Allen helped Devin stay asleep and I got more than 45 minutes of sleep in a row.

As a side note I now think that sleep deprivation is a particularly horrible type of torture that should be reserved for truly terrible criminals.  I felt a little crazy this morning.  At church I crashed in a recliner at the back (every church should have these).  Our church is in a storefront so the back faces the street and the chair faced away from the rest of the group.  Confused?  Anyways, during worship I cried for a while and Devin slept on my chest.  It was kind of a relief.

Actually, we did find a couple of kind souls including our friend Rachel who were planning on getting lunch and coming back to church to hang out.  Liam enjoyed their company so much that he cried when he had to come home.  I'm not sure if we imposed on these friends by asking them to do this favor.  I was too tired and desperate to figure it out.  Maybe that's how community is built - one desperate moment at a time.

Rachel even took Liam to Wendy's and got him a kid's meal with lemonade.  He reported that he spilled most of the lemonade which was bad because "we paid all that money."  He was also disappointed because "the big people just talked."  Still on the whole it was much better than being at home.

While he was gone Allen did manage to get Devin to go about two hours between feedings, but I didn't manage to sleep the whole time.  Turns out I'm very aware, at the moment, of my baby's crying.  And yes, we often distract ourselves from the not-so-riveting task of calming the baby by playing computer games or hanging out on Facebook.  And no, we did not purposely buy such a large screen.  The computer monitor broke and we had that TV which was given to us by Granny who won it at a neighborhood party.  It's kind of a long story.

And we have more crying.  Actually, I forgot to give him "gas drops" most of the day and I fear that we are in for an even worse night tonight than last night.  This has been pretty much the first time that neither Allen or I have been able to comfort Devin.  Even nursing is not working at the moment.  Also, isn't that onsie cute with the green diaper cover peeking out the bottom?  It says "earth baby."

I decided to show Devin the world's saddest baby in the mirror and got a kick out of his expressions.  Liam kept saying "Let me see!  I want to see!" and ended up photo-bombing the shot.

So I think that my chances of getting much sleep tonight are pretty low.  And then we're back to Monday with Allen needing to finish getting ready for the semester and Liam starting school this week.  Well at least we have managed to get some clothes for him at a garage sale held by the mom of one of his former preschool-mates.  I hope Allen and I can manage to get enough sleep in the next couple of days to navigate the beginning of the school year with Liam!

Faces and Differences

I realized that my one month pictures of Devin don't show his face as clearly as Liam's did, so I tried for a few more shots.  I don't remember how we actually got those shots of Liam because I couldn't get that close without the flash overpowering.  I think that I must have zoomed in while Allen held Liam.  Anyways, I experimented with manual settings and got a few shots I liked.

This one, although a little fuzzy shows a common expression.

Who can resist a sleeping baby? 

This was all a distraction from the main event of the day which was...  ....surviving the day.  I really paid today for (over) using my superpowers yesterday.  Plus, last night was not a big success as far as sleeping goes.  Devin woke up every hour until six a.m. After that he fell into a restless, grumbling sleep that lasted until almost nine.  Problem is that he was sleeping right next to me with his hand brushing my armpit when he startled or flailed in his sleep.  And since I kept expecting him to wake up at any moment anyway I didn't move him and didn't fall into a deep sleep.  What a wasted opportunity!  And speaking of wasted, I had plenty of milk today.  In fact, every time Devin nursed it came down so strong that it choked him.  When he backed off to catch his breath the milk would spray out.  It seemed like he never really nursed for a good long time, though.

Some time in the wee hours when I was not really sleeping I got thinking about the differences between Devin's looks and Liam's.  I had been thinking last night that Liam, with his huge eyes and bowed mouth had a fragile, almost haunting look.  Devin, on the other hand, seems to have a very zen look.  He reminds me a little of a Buddha - especially when he's sleeping.  Even Liam's cries seemed more urgent to me.  He seemed frightened or sad.  Devin seems uncomfortable or tired or angry. 

Now all of this could easily be chalked up to the first versus second child experience.  But what I realized this morning was that it's possible that I responded so strongly to Liam because looking at him I was reminded so strongly of myself.  I remember early on, when I dissolved into yet another puddle of tears, looking in the mirror and thinking "I look just like Liam." 

Before Liam was born an older lady on an email group I was active in at the time (remember those - they're actually still around) sent me a saying about how when you have a baby you are agreeing to let part of your heart walk around outside your body for the rest of your life.  Something like that only more gracefully and sentimentally stated.  In fact it seemed much more emotional of a statement than I was used to this lady making.  But thinking about it now I think that maybe it's just more accurate than I realized at the time.  That when Liam was born it was like part of me was now out in the world where I could see and hear and care for that small part.  And somehow he embodied every crying need I had ever had.

I remember the first time Allen and I went to the big every-thing-for-cheep store with Liam.  We left him in his car seat and perched it on the front of the cart (unaware at that time that this is a major cause of accidents and we were placing him in terrible danger).  Allen pushed and I followed behind.  For days it had seemed like Liam needed to be held virtually every minute.  My body ached from fatigue and the strain of holding that little body.  Yet as I looked at him peacefully sleeping in the seat I also ached to pick him up and cuddle him again.  I felt like I was losing my mind.  He was a part of me in a way that I had not imagined possible.

But if this holds true for Devin then he comes from a different place in my heart.  It's a calmer, more confident place.  Maybe even an angrier place.  It's a more active and maybe a sturdier place.  It's been a couple of weeks already since I had Devin laying with his belly against my chest and he turned his head and almost rolled right off.  I cried a little because it felt like he was trying to leave already.

He still needs me.  I still hold him close.  He still sleeps best when he's touching some part of my body.  I will always treasure him and try to protect him as much as I can from the cruelty of the world.  But maybe he won't want quite as much sheltering.  Maybe he will come out swinging - ready to take on the world and fight injustice.  Or maybe I'm reading way to much into it. 

Liam sure has seemed to follow a path that started in those early, softhearted and needy days, though.  He still craves snuggles and wants to be played with.  He wants to help and be polite and be a good friend.  And also to be the center of the universe.  Again, maybe it's a first versus second child thing.  Or maybe they're just very different people.

Bedtime is my Kryptonite

Today I had superpowers.  No really.  By lunchtime I had made an appointment to get my hair cut and gotten myself and Devin dressed and both boys and I to a friend's house.  I mooched some lunch from my friend and then left Liam there while I went and actually got my hair cut.

At the haircut place I bonded with the hairdresser (who I had never met before) over breastfeeding and children who develop motor skills later.  Just goes to show you should never make assumptions about people who have a tattoo that completely covers their upper arm and extends by way of a spider web to cover their elbow.  I also managed not to freak out when a very sweet older lady picked up my crying baby without asking me while my hair was being cut.  Superpowers.

When I got home (Liam was still at the friend's house) I hoped Devin would stay in the swing so I could take a shower, but my superpowers did not extend to baby persuasion.  Anyways, I realized that the diapers needed to go into the dryer and it was full of that tricky "lights" load (all underwear, little baby clothes, towels and sheets) and there wasn't an empty laundry basket in the house.  I put Devin in the sling and started to unload the dryer, but he was still pretty frantic so I managed to get him latched on and breastfed while I emptied the dryer.  Superpowers. 

Devin then fell asleep and I realized that as much as I wanted to be not hairy a better use of the time before my next appointment was to eat a second lunch.  I made it to my psychiatrist appointment more or less on time, fed Devin in the waiting room and managed not to make a snide comment about how young she looked to the (apparently) twelve-year-old physician's assistant student who talked to me before I got to talk to the actual doctor.  I also didn't cry while talking to either her or the doctor.  I'm not actually sure if I will start taking an antidepressant right now.  The doctor was OK with that and gave me a prescription just in case.  Maybe I don't need one.  I managed to change the baby's diaper in the consulting room, feed him and change his diaper again, pay and make another appointment in the midst of a torrent of baby screams without freaking out.  I have superpowers.  Even if my back is killing me.  It's that sling.  For once I really regret years of bad posture.

So I picked up Liam, Allen got home shortly after we did and we managed to make it through supper with a minimum of meltdowns/power struggles.  I fed Devin and he fell asleep and I REALLY needed a shower because even if my chemical sensitivities are WAY better than they used to be beauty salons are not good places for me.  Allen held Devin while I took my shower and then, since Devin was still asleep I got Liam his snack.

This is the first step in the going-to-bed ritual.  I have not been the main going-to-bed adult supervisor for a long time, but I figured I could manage it.  I even kept Liam company while he ate his snack.  Possibly a mistake.  First of all I took the bandage off Liam's nose and took this picture to document how the removed bump is healing.

 Then Liam and I got talking about bleeding and I managed to frighten him to tears with the news that sometimes people actually bleed to death.  I gave him his medicine, but instead of being able to swallow the little pill like he usually does it got stuck and he had to chew it.  I'm pretty sure that had nothing to do with my powers or lack of them.  Then I rushed him through the brushing-teeth-using-the-potty part of bedtime so fast that he started to regret my constant and usually coveted "company."  Finally, I picked the wrong story because it was one that has a CD and he wanted to listen to the CD but we didn't.  And it turns out that Daddy is much better at snuggling and Liam would have preferred Daddy even though just last night he was almost throwing a fit about not having me.  I tried to copy Allen's "back snuggle" technique, but it didn't really do the trick.  Devin saved the day by crying and needing to be nursed, something that I am clearly better at than Daddy.

So there you have it.  You can decide for yourself, but I think that's pretty good evidence that in general I have superpowers, but bedtime is kryptonite.

Brothers - One Month Comparison

Well I finally managed to access Liam's baby pictures and I got a few "one month" shots of Devin.  It's almost a week late, but here's the comparison between the two boys at the same age.  Devin's at the top since it's his turn to be the baby:

As you can see, Liam had more and darker hair and eyelashes and eyebrows that were actually visible.  But they both have cheeks that go on for miles!

Big Cousins and a Procedure

Yesterday evening we had a visit from Uncle Ed and cousins Alex and Jason.  Alex is headed off to college.  Liam was very excited about seeing his big cousins, but when they actually arrived he felt scared and shy.  We wanted to get a picture of all the grandkids on Allen's side of the family.  We settled for all the "boys" since this was faster than waiting for Liam to get comfortable and we were losing daylight.  The mosquitoes were already out, though.  I hope Ed got a slightly better shot than mine.

After a quick supper we got to the serious business of more birthday presents!  Super-cool Legos no less.

The Alex and Jason pitched in to put the complex set together.  I think that's what Jason's doing anyways.

The boys also spent some time getting acquainted with their newest cousin.  Devin found these guys pretty fascinating.

Uncle Ed hasn't lost his touch.  Devin liked visiting with him because he was so close to that amazing ceiling fan.  Here we go again with ceiling fans!

Liam took this picture of Allen and I with our nephews.  When I met these guys they were around Liam's age.  Time sure has flown!

Today we took Liam to a dermatologist to get this "skin tag" on his nose looked at.  The doctors who looked at it in the past said that removing it would be "cosmetic" but the guy who looked at it today said that it could be a wart.  He was hesitant about removing it because he didn't know how Liam would react to a saline shot and a numbing shot.  Talking about it scared Liam pretty thoroughly, but Allen and I managed to persuade him to go ahead with it.  It just took a few minutes.  I kind of wish we'd had it done before because I was always slightly worried about it.  I kept worrying too that Liam would feel self-conscious, but he never seemed to.  He actually felt kind of sad to have lost it.  It's under a bandage now.  We'll have to get more pictures later.