But part of me really needs to be recognized and appreciated. Preferably by the people I'm pouring myself out for. It's a personal problem really - as in, my problem, not theirs. Because when, after I made what felt like a huge effort to take Liam to the park today he had a huge meltdown when we had to leave and then said, "You never play with me. You just take me places so that I can play by myself" it doesn't feel good. It wasn't really true either. I'd actually taken him to the park so that he could play with a new friend he's made at kindergarten. I was even the one who initiated and reached out to his friend's mom. Did I mention that it felt like a HUGE effort to me?
Liam, though, has his own struggles and challenges. On Thursday he told me that he had a play date with a friend at school - tomorrow (as in Friday). At our house. Or we were going over to his friends house. He thought. I told him that I didn't know anything about this and would have to talk to his friend's mom. I asked him what his friend's name was, but he didn't know. He suggested that I remind him to ask his teacher the next day so she could tell him his friend's name and somehow that would help get the whole play date thing working. He tried to explain to our neighbor, but said it was "complicated."
On Friday he came running out of school behind another boy. The boy took off in another direction and Liam looked at me and at his friend and I saw a moment of indecision approaching panic on his face. "Mom! We have to follow that person!" he said. So I did. I talked briefly to the boy's mom (and saw his name on the nametag pinned on his backpack.) We agreed to exchange phone numbers on Monday since neither of us had pen or paper with us.
But we saw them at the library on Sunday at the Legopalooza and I gave her my number. She didn't offer hers but said she'd call so we could figure out a good time. I mentioned that our schedule was pretty open, and she said hers was too but didn't volunteer any specific suggestions. I didn't either, I guess. These things can be tricky. I never feel like I know quite what I'm doing in Mom Land.
Legopalooza was an event held by the library. They put a bunch of Legos and books about Legos in a room and invited people to come. This was the first one and it was well attended. Liam checked out the books before he started building. This actually led to some frustration on his part because they didn't have the specialized pieces the books called for.
He finally got started building a house and his friend was busy building beside him.
The final product. He was very happy about the fact that the library volunteers were planning to put finished works on display.
Afterwards he had time to play with his friend on the trains.
So my solution was to let them know that we were going to the park on Monday right after school. The park is right beside the school. They agreed to go. I got to see Liam with his new friend and it opened up all kinds of questions for me. This little boy is friendly and fun loving but more daring and physically active than Liam. His play involved doing much more than Liam's which often involves talking and pretending. Liam often seemed to be just really getting started on an activity when this boy was ready to move to the next one. On the other hand Liam had a few specific things he wanted to do at the park and had a hard time getting his friend's attention to tell him about it. At one point he grabbed the boy's hand and led him to the spot he wanted them to play at.
When it was time for us to go I got an idea of why Liam might have picked this particular boy to be friends with. When the friend's mom said it was time to go he headed off with her and his little sister without protest. But Liam had a full on meltdown. He hadn't had time dance like he'd wanted to on the stage and was terribly disappointed. When I told him he could dance on the stage (contradicting myself but I was too tired to care) he said it was too late because he was already crying and there were other things he wanted to do and there wouldn't be time. I had no answer for this except to head for the car and hope that Devin, sleeping fitfully in the stroller, would not wake up.
Liam's friend came back toward us as we approached the cars. He tried to give Liam a hug and proceeded to tell him a story about when he hurt his leg and it really hurt and he had to take medicine that tasted awful and he drank water to get rid of the taste. It was really a very sweet, friendly effort and it almost succeeded in distracting Liam from his tears - for a moment.
I was actually in tears myself by this point. I was vacillating between wanting to induce shame in my son for his public display of emotions ("Aren't you embarrassed by your loud crying?") and wanting to dump all my frustrations and exhaustion at his door ("I do all this for you and this is the thanks I get?") I did neither. I said very little, gave him some cheese crackers and orange juice and got us home.
But when, at home, he said that about me not playing with him I said, "I'm doing my best." And when he started crying and I asked him why and he said it was because I was crying I said, "I'm just frustrated because whatever I try to do for you is not right and not enough." Which was pretty much what I was trying not to do before. Maybe I get points for honesty and at least I didn't give him the six point plan of how I expect him to respond to my efforts.
Also, I've started eating dairy again. I'll have to give more details of that another time because Devin needs me.
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