Faces and Differences

I realized that my one month pictures of Devin don't show his face as clearly as Liam's did, so I tried for a few more shots.  I don't remember how we actually got those shots of Liam because I couldn't get that close without the flash overpowering.  I think that I must have zoomed in while Allen held Liam.  Anyways, I experimented with manual settings and got a few shots I liked.

This one, although a little fuzzy shows a common expression.

Who can resist a sleeping baby? 

This was all a distraction from the main event of the day which was...  ....surviving the day.  I really paid today for (over) using my superpowers yesterday.  Plus, last night was not a big success as far as sleeping goes.  Devin woke up every hour until six a.m. After that he fell into a restless, grumbling sleep that lasted until almost nine.  Problem is that he was sleeping right next to me with his hand brushing my armpit when he startled or flailed in his sleep.  And since I kept expecting him to wake up at any moment anyway I didn't move him and didn't fall into a deep sleep.  What a wasted opportunity!  And speaking of wasted, I had plenty of milk today.  In fact, every time Devin nursed it came down so strong that it choked him.  When he backed off to catch his breath the milk would spray out.  It seemed like he never really nursed for a good long time, though.

Some time in the wee hours when I was not really sleeping I got thinking about the differences between Devin's looks and Liam's.  I had been thinking last night that Liam, with his huge eyes and bowed mouth had a fragile, almost haunting look.  Devin, on the other hand, seems to have a very zen look.  He reminds me a little of a Buddha - especially when he's sleeping.  Even Liam's cries seemed more urgent to me.  He seemed frightened or sad.  Devin seems uncomfortable or tired or angry. 

Now all of this could easily be chalked up to the first versus second child experience.  But what I realized this morning was that it's possible that I responded so strongly to Liam because looking at him I was reminded so strongly of myself.  I remember early on, when I dissolved into yet another puddle of tears, looking in the mirror and thinking "I look just like Liam." 

Before Liam was born an older lady on an email group I was active in at the time (remember those - they're actually still around) sent me a saying about how when you have a baby you are agreeing to let part of your heart walk around outside your body for the rest of your life.  Something like that only more gracefully and sentimentally stated.  In fact it seemed much more emotional of a statement than I was used to this lady making.  But thinking about it now I think that maybe it's just more accurate than I realized at the time.  That when Liam was born it was like part of me was now out in the world where I could see and hear and care for that small part.  And somehow he embodied every crying need I had ever had.

I remember the first time Allen and I went to the big every-thing-for-cheep store with Liam.  We left him in his car seat and perched it on the front of the cart (unaware at that time that this is a major cause of accidents and we were placing him in terrible danger).  Allen pushed and I followed behind.  For days it had seemed like Liam needed to be held virtually every minute.  My body ached from fatigue and the strain of holding that little body.  Yet as I looked at him peacefully sleeping in the seat I also ached to pick him up and cuddle him again.  I felt like I was losing my mind.  He was a part of me in a way that I had not imagined possible.

But if this holds true for Devin then he comes from a different place in my heart.  It's a calmer, more confident place.  Maybe even an angrier place.  It's a more active and maybe a sturdier place.  It's been a couple of weeks already since I had Devin laying with his belly against my chest and he turned his head and almost rolled right off.  I cried a little because it felt like he was trying to leave already.

He still needs me.  I still hold him close.  He still sleeps best when he's touching some part of my body.  I will always treasure him and try to protect him as much as I can from the cruelty of the world.  But maybe he won't want quite as much sheltering.  Maybe he will come out swinging - ready to take on the world and fight injustice.  Or maybe I'm reading way to much into it. 

Liam sure has seemed to follow a path that started in those early, softhearted and needy days, though.  He still craves snuggles and wants to be played with.  He wants to help and be polite and be a good friend.  And also to be the center of the universe.  Again, maybe it's a first versus second child thing.  Or maybe they're just very different people.