More tears. Using a receiving blanket as a snot rag because it's handy. Holding the baby on my chest while he sleep because I don't have the energy to calm him down if he wakes up and fusses again. Thinking about the fact that I need a drink and should probably eat more and that my throat feels sore too and could I be so lucky (blessed?) as to have it be allergies a second time when Liam is going on day three of a sore throat. Wondering how long it will be before the baby is sick and I won't know what to do because Liam never got sick when he was so little because he didn't have a big brother to bring germs home.
I have tried not to make this blog primarily about me crying or about how hard it is to manage the first sleep-deprived weeks (months?) of a new baby. It's not like I forgot that part after the first time and needed to be reminded. I did hope that this time would be easier/better and in some ways it has. Devin's birth was quicker and involved less pushing, so I was not as sore or exhausted going in. Breastfeeding got started easier and with much less pain for me. Night time routines have generally been less stressful.
But adjusting to a new family member while trying to meet the needs of my first child has hit me hard. I tried to prepare. We signed him up for summer preschool during this time so that he would have something he enjoys and we could have a break. And having his Grandpa here for the first few weeks was a big treat for Liam and almost made up for a distracted Daddy and a Mommy who spent lots of time hiding out in the bedroom. Plus, he really does love his little brother and wants to snuggle with him and hug and kiss him and play with him and help with him - sometimes.
Preschool's almost over, though. This is the last week. Then we will have two weeks before kindergarten starts. (Second receiving blanket.) Gotta get ready for that. He needs some new clothes and some supplies and we need to find the doctor and dentist forms to take to the school. But other than that, how will we manage the time. He hates staying home all day and after a few hours alone with both boys my brain is clamoring to get out of my skull and hide while my mouth and body continue to pretend to calmly respond to the never-ending list of demands...needs....coming my way.
I need to call my dentist and make an appointment because I have a tooth that twinges every time I clean food out from between it and the next one. I need to call my psychiatrist and change the appointment I made before Devin was born because it falls on the very first day Liam will be going to kindergarten (it's a screening not a full school day, but still.) Maybe they can make the appointment for sooner because I think that holding out is not wise. I need to start taking medication for depression again.
I know that it's natural to feel emotional with so many changes and so little sleep and so many hormones. But I've taken medication for depression most of my adult life and now is not the time to take chances with that. I took something when Liam was a baby and it helped me get out of the "cry at the drop of a pacifier" stage before it became too much of a habit.
I'm not even going to post this now. Within the hour my dear Allen will come home and probably find me here still crying and hopefully we'll manage a moment to talk about it. It's a bad habit to blare things across the internet before we even talk to the people we live with every day about them. But I don't hesitate because I'm embarrassed about being depressed. No, I'm over that. It happens and maybe if I talk about it other people will know they can get the help they need. I can just see, in my mind's eye, the quiet, worried look Allen gives me when he sees me like this. I see the wheels of his mind turning to try to figure out how he can help me and his quiet, calm response while his tired brain clamors to climb out of his skull and go hide. So maybe I should talk to him first and check with him before I post this.
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